Do It Anyway

This trip has been so much different in so many ways.  Elysee (except for the first hour) started the week off happy and full of excitement but as the week went on she withdrew more and more.  I have no idea why. 

Maybe she was exhausted.

Maybe she knew that I was going to leave.

Maybe she missed her home.

This week, instead of crying and screaming, for the most part, she kind of froze.  She would shut down and stare off into space not wanting to talk or interact with anyone.  The good news is, during our last trip when she began to scream and cry or shut down, she wanted nothing to do with me, but this time, she only wanted me J  It was a good feeling to be able to hold her even if she wasn’t talking to me. 

Thursday evening she shut down again but she sat in my lap for over an hour taking stickers and putting them on my arms and hands.  She finally came out of it a little and brushed her teeth and went straight to bed.

 

On Friday morning, we all went to the pool.  Elysee has a love hate relationship with the pool but on this day she decided she wanted to get in her little blow up boat (thanks Erica!!!) and have someone push her around, so I ran back to the room and prayed as I put on my bathing suit that she would have a good time in the pool and not flip out J  When I got back, she let me pull her around for a bit and then she saw one of the other kids counting in English and jumping off the side of the pool so she asked me to put her on the side.  Then she did the coolest thing!  She counted to ten in English and jumped into my arms!  She did this about a thousand times over the next hour and I loved every single second of it!  At one point, one of the other ladies there tried to catch her because I had caught another little boy in my arms but she stopped and waited for me to give him to someone and then jumped to me!  I had so much fun and she was so happy!  Thank you God for this memory!

After the pool, we went back to the room for lunch and then I got out some paint and a brush and she and I sat outside of our room while she painted.

It started off really fun and then she tried to paint the table next to us and I told her not to and she looked at me like any other three year old would and painted it anyways.  I told her “no” and gently took the paint brush and paints and took them inside.  On the way in she began to hit me.  I walked all the way over to the sink and shut my eyes and began to pray.  I asked God to help her to make the right choice.  I asked God to give me wisdom in how to respond.  I asked God to give me joy no matter how she acted.  And I asked God to help me show her his love.  By this time, she was standing next to me hitting my leg over and over and I opened my eyes and looked down at her and I did something completely not natural for me.  I put my arms out to her and asked her to come to me and she stopped hitting me and jumped into my arms.  I was really quite surprised at her reaction and mine as well which was definitely from God.  I picked her up and took her outside and snuggled until she fell asleep in my arms.  I pray, if only for that moment in time, she understands that I love her even when she is hitting me.

 I finally had to wake her up because we only had about a half hour until both of the girls were going home and she just sat in my arms until they arrived.  I had worked it all out in my head how I would tell her in Lingala what was happening and in my head I never cried…but it was much different when I tried to say it to her.  I told her, “you are going to your house, I am going to my house, and I will be back to get you.”  Try saying those words to a three year old who is staring at you with big brown eyes looking completely confused.  I prayed and prayed for God to give me peace and he did.  I handed both of the girls over on Friday evening and yet again walked away having no idea when I will see either of them again.  This is hard.

A few weeks before my trip, I told God I was just plain angry with him.  I was mad that he has left us in this place of uncertainty.  I was mad that he has not brought our girls home yet.  I truly believe that God has the power to bring them home so I was angry that he had not.  It was a really hard time for me.  I’m not sure if I have ever been that angry at him or at anyone.  I screamed and cried and cried but God has done what he always does if we let him.  He has comforted me.

I was reminded that this has been and continues to be his plan…not mine.

In my heart I plan my course, but You determine my steps.  Proverbs 16:9

Part of the reason I feel like I was so mad was because God wasn’t working this all out the way I wanted in the time that I wanted him to.  I have to continue to remind myself that this is his plan.

I was reminded that his timing is perfect.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:  a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…  Ecclesiastes 3:1,2,4

God is the creator and sustainer of time.  Nothing is untimely to Him.   If I believe that, I have to trust him in every single moment. 

I was reminded that throughout this process he is molding me and teaching me to be more like him. 

I consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of many kinds.  Help me to know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work in me so that I may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.  James 1:2-4

I was reminded that choosing joy in the midst of our circumstances and being thankful for his abundant grace are the keys to being joyful.  I am not happy about where we are in this process but I can choose to be joyful because of what Jesus has done for me.  I have so many things to be thankful for and once I was reminded of this, I began to see God working all around me. 

I have thought about the fact that someone may someday read a part of my writing on here and instead of being drawn towards adoption and orphan care they would run.  I pray that is never the case.  This process has been long and messy and really hard but there is not and has never been a moment I have wanted out of it.  If God is asking you to do something now or in the future that you are afraid to do or that you think is just too hard…do it anyways. 

Do it anyways…

Not because you owe him anything, which you do…you owe him everything.

Not because he will love you less, which he won’t…he can’t love you any less…he IS love.

Not because you have to earn your salvation, you definitely do not, that price has already been paid.

Do it anyways…because it is the coolest thing in the world to be right smack in the middle of his will for you watching a storm rage all around you but have his peace over you all at the same time. 

Adoption is really messy and really hard.  It is hard to love someone who kicks and screams and wants nothing more than to get away from you.  It is hard to show love to someone who is hitting you.  It would have been so much easier to not do this, but we made a choice, out of obedience to God, to love his children.  It is a choice to enter into messy, hard places but isn’t that what Jesus did for us?  Didn’t he come here and suffer and die for you and for me?  Isn’t that a little bit more than messy and hard?  When he asks you to do something you know is going to be messy or hard…do it anyways out of love for him and for what he has done for you and for no other reason.  

Lynsey