Do It Anyway

This trip has been so much different in so many ways.  Elysee (except for the first hour) started the week off happy and full of excitement but as the week went on she withdrew more and more.  I have no idea why. 

Maybe she was exhausted.

Maybe she knew that I was going to leave.

Maybe she missed her home.

This week, instead of crying and screaming, for the most part, she kind of froze.  She would shut down and stare off into space not wanting to talk or interact with anyone.  The good news is, during our last trip when she began to scream and cry or shut down, she wanted nothing to do with me, but this time, she only wanted me J  It was a good feeling to be able to hold her even if she wasn’t talking to me. 

Thursday evening she shut down again but she sat in my lap for over an hour taking stickers and putting them on my arms and hands.  She finally came out of it a little and brushed her teeth and went straight to bed.

 

On Friday morning, we all went to the pool.  Elysee has a love hate relationship with the pool but on this day she decided she wanted to get in her little blow up boat (thanks Erica!!!) and have someone push her around, so I ran back to the room and prayed as I put on my bathing suit that she would have a good time in the pool and not flip out J  When I got back, she let me pull her around for a bit and then she saw one of the other kids counting in English and jumping off the side of the pool so she asked me to put her on the side.  Then she did the coolest thing!  She counted to ten in English and jumped into my arms!  She did this about a thousand times over the next hour and I loved every single second of it!  At one point, one of the other ladies there tried to catch her because I had caught another little boy in my arms but she stopped and waited for me to give him to someone and then jumped to me!  I had so much fun and she was so happy!  Thank you God for this memory!

After the pool, we went back to the room for lunch and then I got out some paint and a brush and she and I sat outside of our room while she painted.

It started off really fun and then she tried to paint the table next to us and I told her not to and she looked at me like any other three year old would and painted it anyways.  I told her “no” and gently took the paint brush and paints and took them inside.  On the way in she began to hit me.  I walked all the way over to the sink and shut my eyes and began to pray.  I asked God to help her to make the right choice.  I asked God to give me wisdom in how to respond.  I asked God to give me joy no matter how she acted.  And I asked God to help me show her his love.  By this time, she was standing next to me hitting my leg over and over and I opened my eyes and looked down at her and I did something completely not natural for me.  I put my arms out to her and asked her to come to me and she stopped hitting me and jumped into my arms.  I was really quite surprised at her reaction and mine as well which was definitely from God.  I picked her up and took her outside and snuggled until she fell asleep in my arms.  I pray, if only for that moment in time, she understands that I love her even when she is hitting me.

 I finally had to wake her up because we only had about a half hour until both of the girls were going home and she just sat in my arms until they arrived.  I had worked it all out in my head how I would tell her in Lingala what was happening and in my head I never cried…but it was much different when I tried to say it to her.  I told her, “you are going to your house, I am going to my house, and I will be back to get you.”  Try saying those words to a three year old who is staring at you with big brown eyes looking completely confused.  I prayed and prayed for God to give me peace and he did.  I handed both of the girls over on Friday evening and yet again walked away having no idea when I will see either of them again.  This is hard.

A few weeks before my trip, I told God I was just plain angry with him.  I was mad that he has left us in this place of uncertainty.  I was mad that he has not brought our girls home yet.  I truly believe that God has the power to bring them home so I was angry that he had not.  It was a really hard time for me.  I’m not sure if I have ever been that angry at him or at anyone.  I screamed and cried and cried but God has done what he always does if we let him.  He has comforted me.

I was reminded that this has been and continues to be his plan…not mine.

In my heart I plan my course, but You determine my steps.  Proverbs 16:9

Part of the reason I feel like I was so mad was because God wasn’t working this all out the way I wanted in the time that I wanted him to.  I have to continue to remind myself that this is his plan.

I was reminded that his timing is perfect.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:  a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…  Ecclesiastes 3:1,2,4

God is the creator and sustainer of time.  Nothing is untimely to Him.   If I believe that, I have to trust him in every single moment. 

I was reminded that throughout this process he is molding me and teaching me to be more like him. 

I consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of many kinds.  Help me to know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work in me so that I may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.  James 1:2-4

I was reminded that choosing joy in the midst of our circumstances and being thankful for his abundant grace are the keys to being joyful.  I am not happy about where we are in this process but I can choose to be joyful because of what Jesus has done for me.  I have so many things to be thankful for and once I was reminded of this, I began to see God working all around me. 

I have thought about the fact that someone may someday read a part of my writing on here and instead of being drawn towards adoption and orphan care they would run.  I pray that is never the case.  This process has been long and messy and really hard but there is not and has never been a moment I have wanted out of it.  If God is asking you to do something now or in the future that you are afraid to do or that you think is just too hard…do it anyways. 

Do it anyways…

Not because you owe him anything, which you do…you owe him everything.

Not because he will love you less, which he won’t…he can’t love you any less…he IS love.

Not because you have to earn your salvation, you definitely do not, that price has already been paid.

Do it anyways…because it is the coolest thing in the world to be right smack in the middle of his will for you watching a storm rage all around you but have his peace over you all at the same time. 

Adoption is really messy and really hard.  It is hard to love someone who kicks and screams and wants nothing more than to get away from you.  It is hard to show love to someone who is hitting you.  It would have been so much easier to not do this, but we made a choice, out of obedience to God, to love his children.  It is a choice to enter into messy, hard places but isn’t that what Jesus did for us?  Didn’t he come here and suffer and die for you and for me?  Isn’t that a little bit more than messy and hard?  When he asks you to do something you know is going to be messy or hard…do it anyways out of love for him and for what he has done for you and for no other reason.  

Lynsey

Ups and Downs

On Wednesday morning,  I woke up and got the coffee going and looked back over at Elysee’s bed and she was sitting up so I went over and sat down on her bed and she crawled right over in my lap…a great way to start the day! 

The day on Wednesday went pretty well…very few crying spells and mostly two very happy kiddos!  Elysee only cried about a minute when we came into the room for bed and then she asked me if she could change into her jammies J  She loves to change clothes…all day long!  She loves to pick them out, put them on, take them off, fold them…she just loves clothes!  She also loves socks and has to have them on at all times!  I brought some bows for both girls hair and Elysee has loved to pick them out and put them on both of them….she usually likes to have about 5-8 on at a time J  They are both eating very well and sleeping well too.  The baby has been getting up once a night to eat which has been wonderful!  I love getting to snuggle with her alone during the night J 

I have been praying over both of the girls when I get up in the middle of the night and it has been a very sweet time J  I love how God works in our heart over time and now I do not only pray that I can bring them home soon but I mostly pray that they will grow to be strong women of faith who love God and love to make him known no matter where they are.

Thursday morning, the first family had to leave to go home and so the first of the children were taken from the hotel back to the foster home.  Please pray for all of the families and children here and that God would give them the strength and peace to leave.  I cannot explain how hard this is to watch or to go through but I know that God sees our tears and hears our prayers and that he is with all of us in the place.  There are so many adoptive families here this week...many from our agency and many who have lived here for months with their kids they cannot take home yet.  I was lying in bed last night thinking about all of the prayers that are said within the walls of this hotel for these children and it made me smile.  I know that he hears us and I know that his timing is perfect…we just have to trust him.

After the first family left, many of the ladies went to an orphanage to take supplies and visit (including Elizabeth).  When the van left, Elysee immediately began to flip out…not just cry but seriously flip out!  She wailed and kicked and screamed.  I had no idea what to do so I took both of the girls into our room and tried to see if she wanted anything to eat but she did not.  She just kept screaming so after a few minutes, one of the cleaning men came in and held her and tried to talk to her but nothing was really helping.  She finally stopped crying but she was staring off into space and not talking to anyone.  He told me that she was tired and he left but I feel like it was much more than that.  I think she saw all of the cars and thought I was leaving or maybe she just thought someone was going to take her…I don’t know.  I tried to tell her I was not leaving yet but she wouldn’t listen.  I finally just picked her up and rocked her back and forth and prayed over her for about twenty minutes out loud and she finally calmed down.  I got out some smarties and got her to try them and once she did she started smiling and playing with me.  She finally ate lunch and then we went back outside and she was happy again.  It breaks my heart to see how scared she is and think there is nothing I can do about it but God has reminded me that he is the one that can heal her heart so that is what I am praying for. 

The baby has been very happy and cuddly…she did cry a bit last night before bed but I just took her outside and rocked her and she was out in less than ten minutes J 

I am so thankful for my time here with our girls.  I cannot even put into words the joy it brings me to see them growing and healthy and happy where they are.  Adam has told me that our kids at home are doing well too in my absence.  It tears my heart in two when I think about Eva and Eli at home without me…I miss them so much and then my heart breaks to think about leaving our girls here and going home…it is horrible to have your heart so attached to little ones on two different continents…I cannot wait for the day we are all in the same place J 

Elizabeth and I have another day with the girls before they go back.  Please pray that Elysee will not be scared and that we would end our week with joy in our hearts that we are together.  Please pray for God’s peace and comfort to pour out on us when we say goodbye.

Thank you for your prayers…he is listening and working for our good and his glory J

Lynsey

We're Here!!!

Elizabeth and I arrived on Monday afternoon, only a few hours behind schedule J  Papa Xavier was at the airport to meet us along with two other families so we waited and waited for our luggage and then took off to the hotel.  The drive was very exciting as always!  We had about ten minutes to unpack our things in our room before Elysee arrived.  I heard the van pull in and I ran out to see her!  Her reaction was about the worst I could have imagined.  She began crying immediately and clung to one of the ladies who brought her.  She would not come to me at all.  I immediately began crying even though I told myself I would not…it’s hard to see how scared she is.  The baby came a few minutes later and she was asleep so I grabbed her in my arms and began kissing her all over! 

She has grown so much!  About an hour or so after both girls arrived, Elysee began to warm up to me.  She asked me to take her to the pool and so we swam a bit and she was back to her old self!  She laughed and smiled and we had a wonderful night!  Elizabeth went out with a few others to the grocery store so we have plenty of food now J

I was so dreading bedtime and Elysee did cry for a bit before bed but she let me hold her and rock her until she fell asleep J  Elizabeth got the baby all ready for bed and she went right to sleep.  Then we went to bed around the same time…Elizabeth and I were exhausted! 

Everyone woke up in great moods this morning!  Elizabeth and I were rested and the girls were all smiles!  We spent the morning playing in our room which was really great!  I made Elysee toast with Nutella and she ate four pieces!!!  Elizabeth went back to the grocery store today with a few others so one other lady and I had four kiddos in our room for lunch…they were a hoot!  Eating everything and into everything!!!  Elysee and one of the other little boys wrestled for about an hour…it made me laugh so hard thinking about the day we get to bring her home to wrestle Eli J 

We went swimming for a bit today and Elysee sat at the edge of the pool and dumped cup after cup of water on her head while laughing hysterically!  I was even able to get the baby in for a bit and she really liked it too J  After swimming we headed back to the room for a nap and Elysee cried for about an hour before she finally went to sleep.  She woke up in kind of a dazed state that she stayed in for about two hours but after dinner she began to smile and laugh again J  We celebrated one of the little boy’s birthdays tonight so everyone had cake which Elysee loved! 

Tonight was amazing!  I told Elysee we had to leave one of her friends rooms to come back to our room for bed.  She grabbed her Dora doll, waved goodbye, and walked out the door….then she began to scream!  She screamed while we walked back to the room and continued once we got inside.  Then about five minutes later she stopped, we picked out her jammies, played on the bed for a few minutes and I told her it was time to go to sleep and she laid down on her bed, I covered her up and she kissed me goodnight!  AMAZING!  I could not believe it! 

Elizabeth has been a HUGE help so far and I am so thankful for her willingness to come!  She has cooked, cleaned, shopped and played with both of the girls. 

Please continue to pray for the girls…the baby has had an upset stomach and both of the girls have a bit of a cold L

Well, that’s it for now… Thank God for a wonderful two days filled with smiles, hugs, kisses and snuggles! 

Lynsey